Deepening and taking responsibility for the experience of our social tapestry

What does it look like to be a good friend? What stops you from doing those things?

These are questions I've been pondering a lot. Partly because I've been blessed with incredible friendships. And I've also seen people who are terrible at friendships (including me at times!).

Some conditions that need to be true

Before we dive in, I have a couple of assumptions about your friendmaking adventure

  1. The person you're trying to be a better friend to isn't an energy vampire or taking advantage of your best intentions.
  2. You don't expect to get anything back in return.
  3. You have enough time, energy, and resources to contribute (even if it's just a 5% improvement from before).
  4. The person you're trying to be a better friend to wants this of you. Relationships are an ongoing calibration between your and others' needs. Try, gather data, adjust, try again.

And with that out of the way, below is a list of nuggets to explore in your quest to deepen friendships. It would be unsustainable to do all of them - all you need is to try one and see how it feels. Then explore others.

Which ones would you add? Which do you think are most important?

Get curious about your friend

  1. Ask about their values and goals.
    1. Explore if they'd like you to bring these up throughout your friendship. If yes, check in on how your friend is moving toward their values and goals.
    2. Find out if they'd like you to point out if they're being incongruent with their values and goals. Invite them to do the same (if you can handle this). Note, most people (including me) want to signal that they're the kind of person that lives up to their values. But the delta between what we think our values are and our actions is often larger than we realize. So by pointing out inconsistencies, you might be unconsciously hated as the messenger.
    3. Recognize that what people say and do can be wildly different. Same with what people say they want and what they actually need.
    4. Ask them how you can help them achieve their goals and if it's important for you to support them in that journey.
  2. Be curious about their reality and psychology.
    1. How do they perceive the world? What matters to them? What problems and needs do they have at this stage of their journey? Where did they come to believe the things they believe (remember behavior often precedes belief).
  3. Explore their social network
    1. Despite today's main character syndrome, it's important to remember you're but a part of your friend's broader world. Become curious about who else is in their social network, and where you sit in that world.
    2. This way you can humble yourself by understanding who else your friend shares time with. And what specific needs they have met by those other people.
    3. Often how our friends are doing is impacted by events and impacts in their broader community. So by understanding their broader social world, you can have a better systems view of your friend's overall life experience.
    4. Recognize that people's social networks have differing levels of permeability. That is, with some people it's much easier to move up and down their close, distant, and far social spheres. And this is situational - a person who just moved, ended a relationship, or started a new life stage might be more permeable. Conversely, a person who grew up in the same city and is still close with high school friends might have no desire to introduce new people into their close sphere, but their far social sphere is fair game.

Share experiences together

  1. It goes without saying that the depth of a friendship hinges on time spent together through shared experiences. Be the one that plans them, because others won't (read more here).

Take actions that compound the relationship

  1. Anticipate and support your friend's needs.
    1. We're not mindreaders, but there are certain social scripts we can anticipate. For example, if our friend's about to enter a difficult life stage, a move, a new job, a divorce, a new child, and the like.
    2. Put these things in your calendar.
    3. Check in on them. Send them a care package. Buy them takeout. Take them out for dinner.
  2. Be a memory broker for your friends.
    1. Memory is shared across networks of people. And we're often really good at forgetting just how far we've come.
    2. Take note of your friend's big successes. Send them reminders of this on the year anniversary of the accomplishment.
  3. Take notes about important things in this person's life.
    1. Their upbringing, core stories, where they're from.
    2. If you're hypersocial, you might lose track across many friend's experiences - so write them down.
  4. Recognize when your friend wants to vent versus when they want you to help them solve a problem.
    1. When in doubt, practice active listening and follow up with "how can I help you?"
  5. Send them random pictures from your day.
  6. Like and comment on their social media posts
    1. Most people are incredibly shy to share in the first place.
  7. Ask your friend what you can do to be a 5% better friend.
  8. Forgive them, sometimes for terrible misgivings.
    1. Everyone fumbles. Some fumble repeatedly.
  9. Put their birthday in your calendar.
    1. Write down any hints they have for birthday gifts throughout the year.
  10. Bring things up before they fester.
    1. Including if you sometimes don't have sufficient information.
  11. Apologize when you falter, even if it's much later.
    1. You can't control others' congruence - only your own. Act accordingly.
  12. Provide value
    1. Emotional value - good energy, good vibes, fun stories
    2. Relational value - connecting your friend with people they'd like
    3. Informational value - information, ideas, resources, and other related concepts that might improve their life given their needs and goals

Zoom out to reflect on the friendship

  1. Notice that friendships might go through different periods of need.
    1. Your friend might need a lot from you, even if for a long time. But things can change really quickly, and you might become the one in need.
    2. Ask yourself how much bandwidth and capacity you have to give
  2. Ask yourself if you're a net taker or giver in the relationship
  3. Ask yourself what motivates you to want to be a better friend in the first place
  4. Acknowledge that your friend's commitment and participation to the friendship will change depending on their circumstances and life stage. And that that's okay.

My hope is that as we continue to move towards a more isolated society, there will be pockets of warm, supporting social networks. You might be the one that contributes to that.

This article is devoted to my many friends, who have - and continue to - shape me, challenge me, and provide much purpose in living: Daniel Golverk, Katie Webster, Connor McGoran, and others.